i really, yeah

sometimes i wish i could just be more

honest?

well, with myself anyway. just in the sense that i always am wondering what whoever else is thinking before i say anything.

thoughts swim and cycle around my head numerous times. each having to pass sensitivity tests to assess the appropriateness of the situation before being expressed in speech. shoot. i just cant help it? i've been doing it for years.

but then again, it never used to be this way too! i remember being a loud chatty (fat) kid in primary school who often got into trouble for saying the wrong thing. for thinking out loud. for speaking my mind. perhaps its because i got told off too many times.

flashback: jonathan!! (yes, not jon) stop talking in my class! put your finger on your lips until the end of the period!!!

yes, teacher*
(puts finger on lip, glares at friend)

*side note: how the heck do you pay attention and do work like that? silly teacher.

fast forward to secondary school and the sudden realisation that image matters. being involved in so many extracurricular activities and representing school in this and that sure didnt help.

im darn sure watching those channel8 drama serials growing up also had a part in this. but actually, the more and more i think about it. it's really because, yeah. it's just happened too many times. and each time driving me further and deeper away that the politically correct answers just come on autopilot. so i think, but will not necessary say. well, at least not in the way whatever was initally thought or felt. some may argue it's wisdom, or sensitivity. or 'taming the tongue' (james) or growing old. i think? not all the time. and pushing it too far just leaves you a robot with generic answers. or maybe just someone who isn't honest with himself/herself.

but not that time.

that one slipped out. and maybe im glad it did.